Ehhhhh

2009-10-19T21:53:00.001-05:00

Haha... it's baaaack.

2009-10-19T21:32:00.000-05:00

Guess what. Just because you don't like a blog being added for links doesn't give you the right to report it dead.

Time to see something

2008-11-11T18:23:00.001-06:00

You still out there reading all this shit you twisted fuck?

I'm scared

2008-06-21T13:28:00.002-05:00

I really am afraid to write anything serious. A couple of psychos from my past still read EVERYTHING I write, and check regularly to see what is new.

I don't take their lengthy, generally illiterate, screeds too well. Like I need someone else to remind me of mistakes I've made in my life.

Life

2008-02-04T08:42:00.000-06:00

Life goes on.

Sometimes for better. Sometimes for worse. But life goes on.

I have to ask

2007-06-27T19:59:00.001-05:00

Is it better for a fragile person to be alone for a week or to spend the time with their family.

Frankly I am at a loss right now.

Prozac sucks

2007-04-14T22:12:00.000-05:00

Sitting here watching Prozac nation, I have so many fucked up things going on in my head.

First I will admit I have had a thing for Christina Ricci for some time. But until tonight I never realized how much she looks like Heather in this movie. They are very much the same type. Both are cute little brunettes. But their facial structure is so much alike it's almost scary. It's just twisted to me.

And watching a woman who looks like Heather playing a seriously crazy drug abuser who makes the life of her boyfriends a living hell is really hard to watch. The drastic mood swings and the ridiculous temper are so familiar. The total change in personality from sweet and vulnerable to cold and viscous... It's like seeing Heather on TV. At least in the movie nobody is getting hit or robbed.

But there's more than that.

Watching how her depression suddenly erupted, and how the people around her could both try to help and make things worse at the same time is exactly where I was at that point in my life. I didn't turn to drugs except alcohol, but I was just as self-destructive. And I did throw away so much potential because I couldn't really cope with anything real. And while I was throwing it away everyone was so excited about the potential. The potential didn't mean shit though. Telling me how wonderful I am at a time I KNOW I am worthless just makes it so much worse.

But even more, I look at how her parents reacted and I see what should have been. They were far from perfect, but her family at least tried. I had been in therapy less than 2 months and they started telling me I should be better and there was no reason for them to keep spending the money. Here I was absolutely self-destructing, and I am supposed to just quit? You ever see what happens to a person whose therapy is so intense they are reaching a crisis point, and then you suddenly take them out of therapy?

Looking back I have no idea what I could have done. I was in no condition to really work and I was less than a year from graduation. Because I was in school I couldn't qualify for any medical assistance. If I dropped out I couldn't have gotten a job with any insurance, and probably couldn't have really kept a job. Plus I would have immediately had to start paying on student loans, which I couldn't have afforded.

In short, I realize as a parent myself that parents have got to bite the bullet and do what it takes for their kid to be healthy. And at no point in my life did mine do that. Hell, it's not like I wasn't fucked up before college. Look at my fucking life. No parent could possibly have thought that growing up like that wouldn't cause problems, but they just keep telling me that everyone grew up like I did. But I have this sneaking suspicion that if this were a true statement, films like this wouldn't get made and books like this would never get published. Nobody pays to watch something they get at home for free.

I just do not see how parents could watch their child meltdown and do nothing. Was it because I didn't attempt suicide like my brother did? Was it not enough I was a drunk? Did I need to use speed like he did? What the hell would have gotten them to take my problems as seriously as they took his?

The truth is I should have been hospitalized in high school too. I should have been in hard core therapy. The closest I got was one "family session" with his doctor, who actually insulted me.

It wasn't the stress of school that made me drink. School was always easy. I did badly because I didn't give a fuck. The stress everyone saw wasn't stress at all. That was me. I was a giant ball of rage who was trained from an early edge that his shit wasn't as important to the family.

What I was was precisely what my mom and dad made me. And while I take full responsibility for my actions as an adult, none of them had to happen. I didn't have to be that way.

32 years in to my life I suddenly realized drastic action was necessary, and it had been necessary for well over a decade. I only wish I had been able to have that help before I hurt so many others around me. And what hurts me today is realizing, I could have.

Oh, and to my father. Fuck you.

2006-02-23T01:25:00.000-06:00

Clearly I am meant to be alone.

It's not that I thought she was going to be the one. It was nowhere near that point, but when I meet someone I think is sweet, I find out she can't be honest with me. The only women that are interested are ones that will treat me bad. It's just not worth it. Why go through this every single time? What am I getting out of it? I don't need the heartache and frustration.

A poem

2006-02-17T16:14:00.000-06:00

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Why you gotta be such a bitch?

Lessons

2006-02-12T05:38:00.000-06:00

She has shown me her true self, and it is not a person I want to know.

The woman I loved was sweet and caring. She had made some mistakes in life but she was trying to learn from them. She wanted a better life than the one she had. She wanted to be more than people gave her credit for being. She used to say I gave her faith she could do those things. Clearly, she was wrong.

Now she is going back to friends that want to drag her down. Now she treats those that love her like crap. Now she thinks independent means selfish.

She is not the woman I love. She is not even someone I want to know.

Ghosts of the past

2005-07-14T01:55:00.000-05:00

Ghosts of the past

Why is it so hard
To let go of the past?

A past of pain
Is a lesson to remember

Those who hurt us
Give us a gift of wisdom

Those who abuse us
Toughen us for the future

But those who mean little
Are hard to let go of

Friends who truly mean nothing
Beyond faulty memories

Occupying places in out hearts
That belong to the present

But letting go is harder
Because it means we must

Accept the truth of the past
That it belongs behind us

Our present is real
Our past a dream

What we remember is not real
But is a fantasy we have shaped

But we hold on tight
To these dreams we have shaped

And the people in our present
Are forced to be secondary

To those from our past
Who exist only in our minds

Who will cry for the little boy?

2004-12-25T23:16:00.000-06:00

“Who will cry for the little boy, lost and all alone?
Who will cry for the little boy, abandoned without his own?
Who will cry for the little boy? He cried himself to sleep.
Who will cry for the little boy? He never had for keeps.
Who will cry for the little boy? He walked the burning sand.
Who will cry for the little boy? The boy inside the man.
Who will cry for the little boy? Who knew well hurt and pain.
Who will cry for the little boy? Who died and died again.
Who will cry for the little boy? A good boy he tried to be.
Who will cry for the little boy, who cries inside of me?”

-Antwone Fisher

I hate this shit.

2004-12-25T01:03:00.000-06:00

I hate this shit.

All I wanted was a med to help me deal with the racing thoughts. That shouldn’t be too much to ask, should it?

What do I get?

My heart rate has been up for 48 hours. I slept almost 28 straight hours. I couldn’t sit still when I could stay awake. There were times I honestly thought I was having some kind of heart attack or something. I almost went to the hospital, but I knew I wasn’t really dying.

You take a guy with anxiety problems and put him on a med where one of the side effects is panic attacks? Hell, they use this thing for hallucinations (which I don’t have) and I am reading where people have hallucinations BECAUSE of it.

Even the freaking doctor is apologizing for trying this piece of shit on me. And yet I have people all pissed for acting weird on it. Hell, I’m lucky to be alive. Give me panic attacks and I get suicidal.

Now I’m coming down, but I am still all over the place. To top it off, Christmas is here, which I hate. My fucking car is dead, so I am thinking I have to let it go back to the bank. I need a new one, but am not sure I can swing the down payment.

Overall, right now, shit sucks. And I am not being cut any slack.

I am about ready to tell everyone to just fuck off. This shit is ridiculous. I want to just fucking explode. God I wish I could go fight. I want to hurt. I want to hit. I want to bleed.

Jesus. Someone get a clue already.

Scars-Papa Roach

2004-12-18T13:25:00.000-06:00

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down
and I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
and I can't help to fix myself
Your making me insane
All I can say is

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
A kiss will only vise
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That your drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last dance

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
and I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever came around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause your drowning in the water
and I tried to grab your hand
and I left my heart open
but you didn't understand
but you didn't understand
You fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Why did I leave?

2004-12-14T18:18:00.000-06:00

Why did I leave?

OK, so lots of people are asking me questions, and I figure anyone worth actually telling either already knows or will read here. So here is the deal.

I could tell you that I stopped going in that chat room because of all the various conflicts there have been. I could say it has something to do with the way women are taken. I could say that it’s because it’s just too graphic for me. I could say lots of shit.

But the reality is, the problem is and was me. I take shit too seriously to be there. I see things I don’t like and it affects me personally, when, really, it shouldn’t. So I end up involved in situations that I should stay out of. That’s just not a good thing for me or for anyone else.

Ya’ll don’t need my involvement in your shit, and I don’t need to be stressed about things that really don’t matter that much. I take shit seriously and until I stop doing that, I need to avoid situations where I’m tempted to get involved. I need to not expose myself to things that upset me because I can’t expect the rest of the world to think like I do.

So I bow out. I expect the room will be better for it. Those who want to keep in touch can email me at shrktrager@yahoo.com.

Wish ya’ll luck.

Damn

2004-12-09T18:17:00.000-06:00

Damn

The first of the 2 gifts from my father was in my mail box. It'll take me days to get the balls to throw it away. About then I am sure the one for Casey will show up. Then I go through it all again, plus I deal with the guilt of throwing away a gift that is neither from or to me. I go through this on my birthday, Casey's birthday and on Christmas. I am too weak to just "Return to Sender" because that would be some form of communication, and I just can't handle that.

And to top it all off, someone thinks I am just bullshitting how this makes me feel.

Fuck it. I have beer and meds. Time to go comatose for the night.

People you don't know

2004-11-16T18:16:00.000-06:00

People you don't know

That little girl you called "daddy's little princess" never met her father. He split before she was born and hasn't been back since. Every time her mother dates a new man she anxiously awaits to finally be able to have a man she can call daddy who will love and care for her.

That little boy you called a "momma's boy" has never been the same since his mother was killed in the car crash. When he wants to remember what she looks like he has to go to the picture his father left in his room so he would never forget.

And the woman you joked about giving head hasn't had a dick in her mouth since three men held her down and forced her to give them blowjobs at knifepoint. Just the thought of it drives her to tears, and she still wakes up shivering in the night with nothing but the feel of cold steel against her neck to remind her what she was dreaming about.

You didn't know any of that, but it really doesn't matter to them now does it. They are now reliving the pain that has haunted them their whole lives. You didn't need to make those smart ass remarks. Your friends didn't have to laugh. But at least you all had fun, right?

The whole day sucked.

2004-11-03T18:16:00.000-06:00

The whole day sucked.

I woke up and just didn’t want to get out of bed. Some days you just know that there is nothing good out there, and bed is so safe.

But I got up. What the hell. So I have to get chewed out by people trying to sell overpriced apartments. Hey, it’s part of the job. And a friend I am supposed to meet for lunch? Well, shit, who cares if they just bail? Someone is screwing over a friend and you try to stop it? Yup, that makes you the bad guy. Dinner plans surely shouldn’t be considered firm just because they guy reminds you every day for a week.

I don’t think I have felt more alone in years. At very least since Heather.

And with all this, I have to face why the whole thing with Cindy really mattered. I knew why I broke up with her, but never wanted to admit it. I did love her, and that is why I had to break up with her. She was going to get hurt. I needed space because I was crashing, and being too close just made it worse. I had tried so hard to get her to back off and slow down, but she couldn’t.

I did the only thing I could do to keep her safe. I forced her away. But I couldn’t let go because it’s not what I wanted. And it’s not what she wanted.

And KNOWING another man had grabbed her destroyed me. Her not explaining everything truly made me think she wanted him to. But she was supposed to be mine.

Now it’s too late. She’s got another guy. He’s totally played her when she was vulnerable, but that ain’t going to matter.

Was Cindy the one…the real thing? Probably not. But I will be lucky to EVER have a woman love me the way she did ever again, and I couldn’t handle being loved like that. I wasn’t worthy. I’m not worthy.

When Heather hurt me, I was crushed. But tonight…I did this myself. I hurt myself. And I so want to punish myself for it.

So, all you fucks here to read about how I am ignoring people in a fucking chatroom. Get over it. Why the fuck do you even care if I am paying attention to what you say? You don’t like or respect my feelings and opinions anyway. If you have to find that post, start digging. I'll leave it there for your enjoyment. But, and trust me on this, I am not in the mood to be fucked with right now, so just let it go.

Copying something...

2004-10-31T18:15:00.000-06:00

Copying something...

I wrote this somewhere else, with a couple of changes:

Some of you will know exactly what prompted this. Others won't. And most won't give a shit. But I wanted to post this somewhere that some or all of the people involved will see it. For some of you this will serve as an explanation why I am essentially ignoring you.

Sometimes in life people say and do things they think are funny, but things that cross a line. I am sorry, but the fact someone is “just kidding” or “just trying to be funny” doesn’t make it OK to say or do anything that pops in your head. And freedom of speech may give you the right to hurt someone with your words, but it doesn’t mean you should do it. I understand people make errors in judgment, but when you do it, you apologize, make amends and move forward. What you certainly don’t do is continue doing something solely for the purpose of hurting and upsetting someone.

When you realize someone is hurting a friend, you certainly don’t act like nothing happened. Just because something doesn’t hurt or upset you does not mean that it is OK. Friends look out for one another, and don’t stand back and watch as someone they claim to care about is being hurt. Every one of you I have been there for and stood up for. A friend would have been hurt because of how badly I was being hurt by what has been going on. Any of you could have said something, and probably brought this whole mess to an end. You chose not to, even after I asked for you to help me. But you would rather not cross a virtual stranger than support a friend.

Those of you who know what triggered this know precisely what I am talking about. And many of you want to have your cake and eat it too. You cannot take issue with something in private, and at the same time encourage the person to continue their behavior by telling them what they was OK. Every one of you has told me you thought what was being said was wrong, yet you also chose to let it slide when it happened. As it continued to happen, you continued to choose to let it slide. You acted like nothing had happened, and the person in question took your inaction as an indication that you saw nothing wrong with what was happening. In fact, he said as much publicly on many occasions. Yet you still chose to pretend nothing had happened, even after I showed you how absurd your stance was.

If you make excuses for what was done, you are deciding you do not wish to be my friend, and I want you to know that right now. That is completely your right. But I certainly don’t see any of you defending racism or homophobic statements, and I believe sincerely that this issue deserves the same respect. I did not choose to be abused as bu my father, or by the other 2 assholes. I also did not choose to watch as my mother was beaten and raped. I refuse to feel guilty for being angry and offended when people try to belittle such a serious issue.

So, you are left with a choice. It’s one or the other. If you choose to try to play both sides of the fence, you will no longer be my friend, plain and simple. You will be completely removed from my life. I am certainly not going to be friends with anyone who chooses to ignore the pain I have been feeling as the result of this individual. I expect the list of people I have set to block or ignore will grow, but at least I will know that the friends I have truly consider my emotional well being worth something.

Huh

2004-10-29T18:15:00.000-05:00

Huh

With all the shit racing in my mind today, I remembered something pretty fucked up. The whole reason I started this journal was Heather, and it is entirely possible she reads it now and then. I have no way of knowing whom actually looks at it. I do know that people besides the handful I notify read it. Not many, but a few.

Part of me considered scrapping this one and moving somewhere else, just in case. But you know what? Fuck her! If she is reading this and getting some kind of twisted pleasure reading this, let her have that. If she somehow thinks that I am vulnerable to her and wants to try to take advantage of me again, let her try. And if she is just curious, then whatever.

The fact is, I will never know for sure what is going on with her unless she tries to contact me, and as long as there is some other guy in her life, she won’t do that. She’ll be alone and on the computer and do searches to see whom she could contact, but she won’t actually mess with any of them she is not already in touch with. There are always other guys in her life, because of her kids. Besides, I think Neal knows better than to let her get involved with me again. He’s stupid, but he’s also a chicken shit.

So while I may not have total control of my emotions, I am not going to let her run my life. And if I were to move this piece of shit, she’d be the one in control, not me.

No, I don’t have my shit together right now. I feel like I am being acted upon, and not the one taking the action. And I know this is my own fault. I also know I am at a loss to figure out what to do next. If I knew a therapist I could trust and who would really be able to give me good advice, I’d be there. If I honestly thought medication would help, I’d take it. In the mean time I just try to hold it together a little while longer.

I had a dream...

2004-10-29T18:14:00.000-05:00

I had a dream...

I am haunted by women from my past, and it has me terrified.

It all started last night. Usually when I have dreams I remember they are bad, but it’s ok because I recognize in the dream that it’s not real. So while the start of the dream may be bad (usually they are bad) it’s OK because I have the end where I know it’s not real to process everything. I wake up sometimes a little uncomfortable, or even frustrated, but I’m OK.

But this is different. I rarely remember any dreams I have about Heather. This time I did. And she was totally playing me in the dream.

In the dream Heather just happened to start chatting in the same room I chat in. I KNEW it was no coincidence. She had tracked me there. She needed a way to get in touch with me, and that was the best way. She was using all her charms, and feigning innocence, just like she always did. But this time I saw her for what she was.

The problem was, not falling for her again wasn’t making me feel safe. Somehow she was going to find a way to hurt me. She was going to steal from me. She was going to hurt me physically. I was going to lose all my friends. I was afraid to even leave my house.

I am still scared. It’s after noon already, and I still feel that fear,

Making matters worse, I see that Cindy has reposted he personal ad. I know she needs to move on, and I still resent whatever it was she was trying to do, but I still have such a sense of loss. I was not in love with her, and doubt I ever would be. But I didn’t want to lose her.

When I have these problems I don’t just remember what happened. I feel everything all over again. That’s my problem. I feel all of these things over and over. The pain just won’t go away. I feel the fear. I feel the anxiety. It is what drives me crazy.

People tell me to just stop thinking about it, but I can’t! Even when I think of something else, the physical feelings that go along with these emotions remains. It doesn’t take too long before I am back thinking about the problem again because the pain is a constant reminder.

Tell me how to stop feeling and I can control the ideas. But telling me just to think of something else isn’t going to work if I can physically feel what I felt when the problems first happened.

Screw it

2004-10-17T18:14:00.000-05:00

Screw it

The thoughts race through my mind
Nothing can stop them
Constant fear
Constant pain
Constant guilt
Get over it she says
Like I know how
It’s not all about you
Except when it is
And right now
It is
Of course I want to save everyone
It’s easier
Than saving myself
Of course I don’t trust anyone
It’s safer
Than taking a chance
Is it that sick people are drawn to me?
Or am I drawn to them?
Am I capable of love?
Am I worthy of being loved?
All these questions
Who has the answers?
I know I don’t
I doubt you do
Maybe there are no answers
Maybe not now
Maybe not ever
Whatever

The List

2004-10-17T18:13:00.000-05:00

The List

I can’t do this anymore.

Since the divorce I have done the same thing over and over. I see things I don’t like, and I try to change them. I see people who have been run down by life, and I want to make their lives better. I find women in pain and want to make everything all right. I see people being insulted, degraded and demeaned, and I want to make it end.

But the fact is that none of it had really helped anyone.

So I give up. I’m not doing it anymore. As of today there are 6 people in this world I look out for. Everyone else is on their own.

The first is Justin. This is not about what you are going through bro. I will be there for you through it all. But, in my whole life, no one has been a more consistent friend to me than you. There hasn’t been anyone else I can talk to about anything. You stood by and supported me when I was truly in the wrong. You reminded me that not everything is my fault. For all that, you will always have my marker.

The second and third are Cannen and Madison. You guys would be here if only because you are so precious to Justin. But your mother was there for me at a time most women wouldn’t be. Of all the women who knew both Symantha and I, only your mother was kind and caring enough to me that she remained my friend instead of simply following the knee-jerk response and assume I was fully responsible. When I see your faces, I see your mother. I am here for you because your mother was there for me.

Raini is on the list because she is there for me now. No matter what I say or do, she tells me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear. We may not always see eye to eye, and we both do things the other doesn’t like or approve of. Only you are there where you can really help me though. Everyone either tells me I have it together and am just fine, or they ride me for not having it together and insult me when I screw up. You are hard on me when I need to be, and supportive when I need that. You see the person I am, and the person I could be. You give me hope that I can get past these things.

And Casey, you know that nobody on this or any list will ever be more important to me than you are. While you are my son, it is not just that that makes you precious. You are the most sweet, loving and caring person I know or have ever known. When I look in your eyes, the loving spirit I see makes me want to cry. I wasn’t always a great father, and I will never be able to forgive myself for that. In fact, I will never be as good a father as you deserve. Despite all this, you are the most wonderful person on Earth, and there is nothing I wouldn’t do for you.

The last person I will be there for is the one person I have neglected the most: myself. While I was saving the world, I was neglecting myself. I see now that, even though I have not yet accepted that I am worthy of love, I cannot take care of the needs of the other five people on this list while neglecting my own. This is why I have made this list, and why I intend to live by it. Some of those on this list are there because they need me. Others are there because I need them. I will be of no use to any of them if I am not there for myself.

There are those whose presence in my life has made this list necessary. Some of you had nothing but the best intentions. Others know you took advantage of my desire to make up for years of doing the wrong thing. Some were so blinded by their own pain and needs that you couldn’t see what focusing on you was doing to me. Regardless of why you did it, I can’t allow it to happen any more. I am sorry for those who feel you need me, but I just can’t do it anymore. You need to look within, and see what you can do for yourselves. You need to look at your friends and see which one’s are pulling you up, and which one’s drag you down. I can’t do any of that for you. In fact, I see now that none of what I did for you was really helping you because it put your focus outside of yourself.

For all of us life will go on. It is my hope that, for those in need and in pain, things will get better. And for those who are truly content, may life continue to bring you blessings.

Rambling Man

2004-08-11T18:12:00.000-05:00

Rambling Man

I am going to ramble, so bear with me.

I talked to Bunny today. I had to. I needed to know if the person I saw at the concert was she. It wasn’t. But it doesn’t matter. She’s seeing someone. That hurt, but I expected it. But Grant’s right. It wasn’t going to work. And I didn’t deserve what I got. I screwed up, but not that bad. I’d have spent the whole relationship trying to prove myself. I already did that with Heather, and we all know how that turned out.

And, about Heather. I did something I shouldn’t have. I read her email. She had saved her logon on my computer. I wanted to know if everything she had done was a scam. I figured that, if it were, she’d have said something in an email to someone. I guess it wasn’t, because she didn’t. That said, she’s found another guy and they are “in love”. Want a swift kick in the balls? Realize you were one of 4 guys a woman was “in love with” in a 12 month period. I feel real special now. At least I deleted her logon.

I miss Neuro. It’s weird. Sometimes she and I don’t talk for days. But when we don’t talk because we can’t, I miss her. She’s moving this week, so she’s out of touch for a few days. For some reason, that hits home a lot more than it does when we just don’t happen to talk.

I am so tired of being sick. Every time the pollen counts get fucked up, I get sick. I start with a sinus infection. Then my chest gets fucked up. I start coughing. My head pounds. I can’t sleep. I am sick of it. There has got to be something that can be done. Somewhere there is a doctor that can tell me how to deal with this. But where?

I went back and read some of my old posts. I considered deleting the one’s that are embarrassing or angry. But screw it. Some of that shit is actually pretty decent. And all of it serves as a reminder.

I also am pretty much broken up with Cindy. I just can’t deal with that relationship. I don’t love her. I never will. She is falling for me. Neuro is right. It wasn’t fair. She’s a nice girl who made some mistakes when she was young, and she’s just starting to get herself together. I feel like I encouraged her with some of that. But her kids, her ex, and her family…it’s all too much. And I just don’t ever see myself falling for her. She wants us to keep talking, so we’ll see what happens with that.

I watched Magnolia tonight. Something very screwed up when I can relate to just about every character in that movie. Besides. It’s a screwed up movie to begin with. Well, I don’t relate to Julieanne Moore. I never got married to a sick old guy for the money.

I need a vacation. I want to take another cruise, or maybe go to Vegas. But I don’t want to go alone, and I don’t have anyone to go with. I am close to having all the financial crap from heather out of the way. One collection account and a deal on the car, and it’s all wrapped up. When that’s done, and after I get a couple loans closed over the next few weeks, and it’s all good. It looks like I’ll close what I need to this month for that to happen. Maybe then I can start living my life again.

All-in-all…I just keep thinking…whatever.

She just doesn't get it

2004-07-06T18:12:00.000-05:00

She just doesn't get it

OK...I keep saying this, but it doesn't sink in.

Most guys are not friends with women unless they want them, or want access to her friends.

Guys will only talk about sex to women that they want to have sex with.

If a woman talks to a guy about sex, he considers in an invitation for sex.

If a guy is the type who hangs out at strip clubs, don't think he has a high opinion of women as a whole.

If you have a guy who knows you have a boyfriend and he either hits on you or tells you to dump the guy, you saying no to the guy doesn't address the issue. First, unless you tell him to shut the fuck up, your response has told him that what he did is OK, and that he has a chance. Second, he has disrespected your boyfriend, and your boyfriend now has to deal with that disrespect. You have not dealt with that at all. And now, because of a situation you encouraged, your boyfriend must act because, if he doesn't, the other guy will keep up with his bullshit. Plus, it creates situations where a fight is virtually guaranteed. Now your relationship, and your boyfriend, is at risk.

If a guy is constantly criticizing the men you date, he is not your friend. He wants you for himself.

If a guy uses a phrase like "I could have gotten my dick sucked", he does not respect you. He is telling you he sees you as a whore and/or a slut.

If a guy says you're "just one of the guys", it's because he does not see you as worthy of the respect he would give to a lady.

If a guy is constantly talking to you about his relationships, he is interested in you.

I give up

2004-06-09T18:11:00.000-05:00

I give up

OK. I admit it. I am a fuck up.

I have a hard and fast rule about being friends with ex’s. But I don’t want my ex and I to be unfriendly, and I feel like we are. So I am trying to get us to get along better.

Here’s the deal. I met a woman I am crazy about. I took down my personals ad and deleted the potential dates from my chat list. I did not want to take a chance on screwing this up…but I still did.

She and I were talking. Specifically we were talking about her ex. Then my ex called. She told me that her ex-boyfriend that she still talks to had been talking and that he had “made some good points”. She and I had agreed hat even though I have this whole month, I’d let her have a weekend with Casey. It’s hard on him to be apart from her that long. So she was going to take him this weekend. Her ex talked about me “shirking my responsibility” and using her so I could go out. That’s not why I am doing this. Casey misses his mom terribly.

Here’s the problem. The girl I wanted to date heard my half of the conversation. I had tried to say it was work because I was so embarrassed that I looked like a hypocrite when it came to my ex. So what does she hear? “Your ex is going to try to sabotage our relationship.” And “I am disappointed.”

Now she thinks I am playing her. I know how it looks, but why would she believe me? I lied to her.

So, it’s over. And the one woman I have met since the divorce that I really think could have worked is gone.

Giving up

2004-05-15T18:10:00.000-05:00

Giving up

I just can’t do this. Not now.

OK ladies, I am going to put it bluntly: if every guy you date is an asshole, the problem isn’t the guys. It’s you.

Now that I’m single, I hear the exact same thing from every woman my age. All of them have nothing but assholes that are exes. And every nice guy they ever dated is now just a friend because there’s no chemistry. Now, if you are incapable of having “chemistry” with the nice guys, then men are not the problem.

Women all say the same things. They want a nice guy, and they don’t want drama. But they do want drama. They seek it out. The guys that don’t provide drama get brushed aside. Ladies, in your mind, drama and chemistry are the same damn thing. It’s been said that men treat women like shit because they can. That’s not it. Men treat women like shit because they have to. If you are nice to a woman, she starts to think of you as a friend. Once the idea of friendship is in here head, you’re fucked

Every woman I know admits she can’t choose men. But they react by following the same pattern. They keep going to the same places, doing the same things, with the same people. If you do that, you will meet the same kind of guys. Even if you go places with huge numbers of guys, you will meet the same kind of guys.

First, “birds of a feather flock together”. That place with all the cute guys? It’s not that the guys are any cuter than anywhere else. It’s that you are attracted to a type, and that type goes way beyond physical. So, if you want to break the pattern, stop going those places.

Second, the jerks will have seen you with the other jerks. And ladies, don’t tell me you keep your private life to yourself. The guys know. Stories get around. And, if you slept with one guy there, the jerks will all try to sleep with you. If you are a woman who has been played, the players will make a move for you. If you are a victim, the predators will know that. So if you keep hanging out there, and keep getting involved with guys there, you will keep dating assholes. Actually, you need to stop hanging out because you cannot keep putting yourself in that situation and expect you will stop dating those guys. Those are the guys you make available to yourself.

Last, you cannot make the changes to yourself if you keep associating with the same people, doing the same things and going the same places. They tell alcoholics that they need to make these changes, and it goes for any lifestyle problem.

I know women that I have dated that tell me all the horror stories about the guys they dated. But then they can’t understand why I have a problem when they keep hanging out in those places. It’s because I am not going to hang around while you keep living a life that has, by your own admission, been full of assholes. Those assholes in your past? They didn’t stop going to that bar. The friend that introduced you to him? She’s got more in reserve.

Ladies, here’s the deal. You want your drama. Fine, go have it. But leave me out of it. I’m not going to sit on the sidelines waiting for you to pass me over for the assholes you always fall for, and I’m not going to let you use my affection for you as a crutch by becoming yet another of your “guy friends”.

Go play your games with the losers you love so much. I have enough shit of my own without adding yours.

Now I get it

2004-05-11T18:10:00.000-05:00

Now I get it

Tonight sucked. Today sucked. But I learned something.

In a matter of hours I spoke to Heather, my ex-wife (who seemed pissy this time), a woman who likes to call just to be a bitch to me, a woman who basically pretended she liked me because it kept her amused, another woman who blew me off for months and is now upset that I stopped calling and I got an email from a woman who insisted on calling me even though she was going to reject me because I have a son.

Any time I hear from Heather I feel like I’m going to cry. The memories and pain will always be there. The rest was just piling on.

But, all of this shit, and one of those awful chats, brought a lot in to focus.

Women always end up with jerks and they always will. A jerk will lie to get what he wants. He will not show his true self. He will make himself seem perfect.

But a nice guy will be honest. He will not hide his flaws. He will show he is vulnerable. So a woman sees that he is not perfect. His vulnerability makes him appear weak.

So the woman will always choose the jerk. He has shown no flaws. He has not shown he is vulnerable. He appears strong. He is always confident.

And then he gets in, and he starts to show his true colors. And the woman stays with him because pride gets in the way, and she refuses to believe that the guy he was, is not who he really is.

The nice guy will always be alone.

Why I did it

2003-12-31T18:09:00.000-06:00

Why I did it

You know, lots of people don't understand why I let what happened happen.

The truth is, I thought I deserved it. I was an asshole for years. My ex-wife had a lousy life because of me. My son has grown up thinking his father is an angry, screaming tyrant.

I thought I was getting what I deserved. I believe in Karma.

At the same time, I was trying to help Heather. She had nothing, and I wanted to fix that. I wanted to help her heal from the pain she experienced. I wanted to make it all OK.

But I can't. I failed.

I don't know if this was karma or not. But part of me thinks it was. That doesn't excuse anyone, including me, for what they did. But it is something to consider.

I tried

2003-12-30T18:09:00.000-06:00

I tried

You broke my heart. But you already know that.

There are 2 people inside of you. One has to hurt everyone around them. Then there’s the one I fell in love with.

The night was magic, and you know it. In the course of that night you decided which side you were going to let win, and it wasn’t the good person inside you. You begged me to let you “come home”, but you had already told me I couldn’t take you back without you feeling guilty.

I know you knew he was coming. I don’t know if you knew he was on the run from the law. I know you wanted to steal my car. I know you got me drunk on purpose. I know you planned on taking at least your daughter, if not his son. I know all of this, but I still love you.

But all of the love in the world won’t save you. You need more help than an army of people who love you could provide. You need locked up until you deal with all of the pain.

I saw in your eyes, even that night that you didn’t want what was going to happen to happen. You wanted to tell me what was going on. But you can’t. You are incapable of being the loving person I know when you are around Neil or Chuck. Put them together and you become an animal.

That animal isn’t the real you. It’s not the person I love. But it is a part of you that is real and that you can’t control. Because of that, we will never be together.

I tried.

I can't underdstand

2003-12-30T18:08:00.000-06:00

I can't underdstand

This morning I was looking at some of the pictures from when we were together. She was right, she did look so happy. All her friends said they'd never seen her so happy. So what happened?

Then I saw the picture that made me cry:Tommy. That poor kid. He will never have the life he deserved. He was born dead. They brought him back. He's just now learning how to walk. He will always be behind kids his age. At some point he may stop developing altogether. And, with his health problems, he might not make it.

That kid doesn't deserve that. All kids desere to be born healthy.

And his problems are all one man's fault. One man did all this damage by beating this child's mother. But he is the man she chose. I worked to get her son in a loving household with his grandmother. Chuck almost killed him.

How can any woman look in the face of the man who did that to her child and say "I love you"?

Wake up

2003-12-29T18:07:00.000-06:00

Wake up

I need to write. I need to “get it out”. I need to process. All the shit you hear a therapist say is where I am.

But I don’t know where to start. Yeah, I’m hurt. Who wouldn’t be? But I’ll survive. There are other women out there. And, while I always said none would compare to Heather, that cuts both ways.

They say you have to hit rock bottom. I think I have. My parents have basically disowned me. I can’t deal with my son. I can’t focus on work. I have no money and am not sure how I’ll ever get everything caught up.

I know she could have gone either way, even that night. I’m glad she didn’t. I always knew that her attachments to Neil and Chuck would doom any relationship she’ll ever have. I don’t know which one she’s with now, but those two won’t be friends long. And when JB gets out, she’ll rope him in too.

This is how she likes it. She likes the chaos. So do they. My only question is which of them is going to kill whom first. Heather is exactly as good as the people around her, and she has now surrounded herself with evil men who will think nothing of beating and raping her. But she’s not incapable of defending herself. And she will one of these days.

Those 2 have no idea how much of a favor they did for me.

Why can’t we be together?

2003-12-22T18:07:00.000-06:00

Why can’t we be together?

I love Heather. Maybe she even loves me. But I feel awful when we are together while, at the same time, I feel happy. I’m always afraid of her next outburst. I’m always afraid she’ll take something I say the wrong way. I’m always afraid she’ll think I’m doing something that I’m not. I’m always afraid.

I feel worse when we’re apart. I know she’ll think I’m cheating on her. I am scared she’ll be cheating on me. What if she’s drinking? Is she doing drugs again? Is she talking to Neil? What is going on with Chuck?

The truth is, I don’t trust her. I have big problems with trust anyway. Once someone lies to me, I don’t trust them again. I understand that that isn’t fair, but it’s life. And it’s my reality. Maybe I need to be alone until I deal with that. Maybe I need to find someone I do trust. No matter what, I can’t let myself live in constant fear.

She doesn’t see that she needs help. She doesn’t realize how much she hurts me. She doesn’t believe that I love her. She doesn’t know what she needs.

I am in love with a woman who desperately needs saved from herself, which is impossible. I want to help her. I want to be supportive. But what am I helping her do? What am I supporting? She doesn’t want help. Doesn’t think she needs it. And, until she does, there isn’t a thing anyone can do about it.

A tough lesson

2003-12-21T18:05:00.000-06:00

A tough lesson

I am an enabler. I am codependent. I don’t know when it happened, and I don’t know why it happened. But the fact is, I am.

I love Heather deeply, but it’s not a healthy love. I know she hates it when I read things and take them at face value, but I had to read Codependent No More. I bought it a long time ago because I thought Symantha might benefit from it. Back then I thought our marriage could be saved if we both worked on it. I didn’t realize she had given up much earlier.

I was looking through my bookcase and saw all of the books I bought to try to help myself. Of course, just reading a book doesn’t really help. There’s a lot more to it than that. I was looking at the BPD books, and there was the Codependent No More. Right then I decided I needed to read it.

And I do exactly what it says. Heather does exactly what it says. I feel exactly how it says I will feel, and I bet Heather is the same. I try desperately to control things so I feel safe. I try to do everything I can to make her better. But all that does is push her to keep doing what she does.

The harder I push, the more she pulls away. The more I do for her, the less she has to do for herself. If I get mad, all it does is make her feel she needs “space” or “an escape”. But she can’t control herself. I can’t stop her from drinking. I can’t stop her from using drugs. I can’t make her go to therapy. I can’t make her actually work at getting healthy. I can’t make her take her medication.

She’s not ready to get better. I should have realized that when she told me she didn’t believe therapy would help. When she told me she could never tell a therapist the complete truth, I should have known.

All I do is keep her from having consequences for her actions. I used all my energy trying to protect her. But she needs to fall. She has to hit rock bottom, I guess. Some people have to lose everything, and maybe that’s her. She’s reached the point where she realizes what she does is wrong, but she still hasn’t accepted the fact that the bad results are her fault.

It was my fault she got arrested. It was Chuck’s fault she lost her kids. It was JB’s fault she became an addict. It’s Neil’s fault that all of it happened. All of us did things we shouldn’t have, but that doesn’t change the truth. Every one of those problems came from a decision Heather made.

I love Heather. I love her more than life itself. But she has to love herself enough to see what’s wrong, and do something about it. Whether I like it or not, I can’t make that happen.

She just doesn't get it

2003-12-19T18:04:00.000-06:00

She just doesn't get it

I cry as she wastes her life
and she just doesn't get it

I cry as she tells her lies
and she just doesn't get it

I cry as I see her pain
and she just doesn't get it

I cry as I see her fall
and she just doesn't get it

I cry as she breaks my heart
and she just doesn't get it

one day she will hit the bottom
and finally get it

If you don't understand why spending the night partying with other guys, and being gone for over 24-hours, when we were supposed to be working on things, is a problem, you have more issues than I can handle. Call me when you've started your recovery, and not a second earlier.

How do I know I love you?

2003-12-17T18:04:00.000-06:00

How do I know I love you?

When you leave, I can feel a piece of my heart is missing. It’s more than just an emotional feeling, but a physical one. Part of me is missing, and I know it will be until I hold you again. But I also know that I need to feel that pain, because I also know I will feel a completeness and joy when I am with you that goes beyond anything I have ever experienced.

Nothing is more important than your happiness. I think about what it will take to make you happy. Sometimes I think what it will take to make you happy will be hard on me, but that’s OK. I know there are some things I can’t do, but I want to do everything I can. I know that what will make you happy may be something I can’t give you, and want you to go out and get it if that’s he case.

I know because I can see what will happen if we ever part. I will not ever find anyone who can make me feel like you do. I would spend the rest of my life comparing everyone to you, and the answer would always be the same: “She’s not Heather.”

When I lay down, my arms are empty without you. I don’t know how I ever slept before, or how I’d sleep again if we were to part.

For the first time in my life I truly understand the difference between having sex and making love. I want to make love to you, and to please you, not because it feels good or feeds my ego. I want to be as close to you as possible. I want to feel as if we are one body. I want you to feel loved and satisfied in every way possible.

Things I am happy about

2003-12-07T18:03:00.001-06:00

Things I am happy about

I have a great new job that I will kick ass at
I have a wonderful son
I am intelligent and educated
I am a good person
None of the problems in my life are insurmountable
Heather’s health has been good, and she will get better
My health is good
I have a nice home
I have a family that tries hard to be there for me
I survived
I care about people and their feelings
And, most importantly, I have the love of a wonderful woman, who I also love dearly

One Day

2003-12-05T18:01:00.000-06:00

One Day

One day, you will be my wife
We will live every day together
We will know that our love
Is the one thing that will always be

One day, I will be a man
Who can accept your love
And return it without reservation
Or fear of losing you

One day I will understand
How to live a life without fear
How to know that everything will be all right
And that there is nothing we cannot handle

One day the scared little boy in my heart
Will be a thing of the past
An unpleasant memory
His absence proof that I have healed

One day you will look in my eyes
And see our past, and not mine
And see our future, and not just doubts
And get lost in the love you see, not emptiness

One day we will both be free
Free of the pain of the past
Free of the fear of the future
Free to feel the love the other is showing us

One day it will all be OK
The problems of today will be forgotten
The fear and hurt will be forgotten
Only the wisdom of the lessons learned will remain

Today, I pray
For the growth in my soul to see tomorrow
For the patience in your heart while I learn how to live
For peace in our lives to allow us to live the life we dream of

What I want

2003-11-27T18:00:00.000-06:00

What I want

I want to be happy
I want to feel like things will get better,
if I can just be patient
I don't want it to be so surprising to me
when I realize I am not depressed

I want to be relaxed
I want to spend most of my life,
not obsessing about my fears
I don't want to be surprised
when I notice I haven't been stressed for a few minutes

I want to be able to take care of you
I want to know that you have everything you need
and that everything will be OK
I don't want to always feel like
you need things I can't provide

I want to feel safe
I want to know that the people in my life are safe
and that none of them are destined to hurt me
I don't want to spend the rest of my life
waiting to see who's going to get hurt first

I want to be secure in our love
I want both of us to know we are loved,
and we always will be
I don't want us to always question
and doubt that our love is real and eternal

I want to be in a different world
I want to be a person who trusts
and can be trusted
I don't want to be the coward that I am
or the monster that I was

I want to stop crying
I want to be in control of my emotions
Instead of my emotions controlling me
I don’t want to feel tears welling up
Every minute of every day of my life

I want to be someone else
The person I am is weak, scared and shattered
The person I was is cruel, heartless and dishonest
I need to be strong but compassionate
I need to be a person who is loved and respected

I want answers
I want them now
And I want them to be honest
I don’t want any more excuses
Or unanswered questions

My love

2003-11-23T17:56:00.000-06:00

My love

My love defies logic
I have no time for reason
Common sense has left me
I see no point in any of it

Her beauty amazes me
Her eyes entrap me
Her scent lingers
And I ache when she is gone

I am afraid
She will see right through me
She’ll see what she truly deserves
She’ll see the truth

Part of me knows
I don’t belong here
I don’t deserve this
I can’t keep up the charade

And so it goes on
She loves the man she sees
I love the woman she is
And we both pray that she is right and I am wrong

Heather, I love you.

A lot of what we talked about last week is really hitting home with me. You are right, I am jealous of Ariel. I want you all to myself so badly. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and for the two of us to hold each other for all eternity. I am jealous of the world. I don't want anyone at all to get to share you. I want you all for myself.

But I don't deserve you. You are dealing with so much, and the fact is, I am not much help with a lot of it. I can try to make sure you eat OK and take care of yourself, but what happens when I start working? What good am I to you then?

You need patience while you deal with everything. Ariel needs patience while you work with her. Casey needs patience while he learns to deal with me having someone in my life. But I am not a patient man. I am anxious all the time. All of the anxiety and fear are coming out more and more and I hate it. All of you deserve better.

You are so right about me. All I am seeing are flaws anymore. I see everyone else's flaws and I don't deal with them well. Maybe I am focusing on them because the flaws I really see are in myself. I'm not a good person. I may do some good things for you, but man is not the sum of his actions. I am what is in my heart and soul, and what I see there is awful.

All I am seeing is someone who wants everyone else to change. I want the world to conform to what makes me happy. But that can't happen and is not fair to expect. I hate what I am. I hate that I feel like I need drugs to function, and that I can see myself in need of so much help.

I'm not strong enough sometimes for everything that is on the way. We are looking at a huge struggle ahead of us on so many fronts. But, right now, I am tired of fighting.

I fought for years to try to keep up the charade that I was OK and the rest of the world was fucked. Then I got help and I feel like I have been fighting to try to hold myself together and keep the real me hidden from the world. I realize so much that the person I am showing to the world isn't the real me. It's the person I want to be. The real me is the person that comes out when I am angry or hurting. The real me lashes out at the world.

Heather, I am so in love with you that there are times I want to set you free for your own good. I am scared of what happens if you get dependant on me and I crash again. I am terrified of you getting hurt by me. I want you to stay with me forever and love me. Please be sure you are strong enough because, sometimes, I think the biggest problem we face is me.